Dear Friends and Family
As Jason and I wind 2009 down to a close, we also celebrate a full year since the passing of my Justin. I wanted to take just a few moments to let you know how we are doing these days.
We are not made for this earth. The loss of a loved one is a stark reminder of that reality. The loss goes beyond the unmet longing for the person’s presence. It’s also about what they represent in our lives. The loss of a parent, or even the loss of a marriage, is a loss of the past; but the loss of my Justin felt to me like the loss of the future.
Jesus refers to himself as the “Bread of Life”. I’ve struggled with that. Could these words have greater meaning than the rituals of daily faith? If so, what do they really mean… really? I’m not great with words, so I won’t attempt a theological dissertation. But I can offer something better: a testimony, based on personal experience, that Jesus truly is the life-giving bread he claims to be. His comfort, His strength and His presence have sustained Jason and I in recent months in ways I could never have imagined. Even with the recurring “dark days” of agonizing pain when I wonder if life is worth continuing, I know in the deepest parts of me that His words are true. Jesus sustains my life and tomorrow is in His hands. Heaven is no longer just a destination. Heaven is the home I’ve longed for. It’s where my boys are. It’s where my future is!
Jesus promises that he will comfort those who mourn. He has brought me that comfort through the loving words and actions of family and friends like you. And for that I am so grateful. Your walking along side me has been like a soothing warm blanket over my broken heart.
Many of you have asked about Jason, my oldest son. In an earlier draft of this letter I wrote “he is becoming a remarkably strong young man,” but then I realized, he is that already. What I have seen is tremendous growth and maturity, and as a mother I could not be more proud. For me Jason defines “quiet strength”. His heart continues to be full of kindness and I am blessed by the gift that Jason is to everyone around him. He’s been working out a lot and is in great physical shape. He spends a lot of his free time in the ocean paddling or swimming.
Shortly after Justin’s passing, Jason’s eyes were filled with a deep, deep sadness. He asked me one time, "Mom will this pain ever let up". Before I could say anything, Jason answered his own question and said, “Justin and Joshua ran their race. Justin fought a good fight, but I know it was time for him to go.” He looked at me with clear eyes and continued, "Mom, I will see my brothers again; I’ll be with them again." He then stood to his feet and I saw the strength of the Lord come on him and he said, “I will not give up on God nor will I walk away. I am still standing by his grace.” At that moment I realized this great loss was not going to break him; on the contrary, it has helped Jason discover his own strength in God. Nothing has given me greater joy this year than to see my son walking in the strength of the Lord.
Over 30 years ago I gave my heart to Jesus and made him my Lord and Savior. Now I see how important that order is. He is my Lord first; then he is my Savior. I have been building homes for over 10 years. As the Builder, I see and execute the Master Plan. My subcontractors only get the pages of the plan that are relevant to their trade. They have some say in the project, but I make the ultimate decisions about every detail, large or small. Why? As the Builder I am the one responsible for the end result.
I see God more clearly now, and I have a greater understanding of his role in my life. I often said in the past, “He is King of Kings and Lord of Lords.” Yet, only now have I begun to understand what it means that Jesus truly is THE Lord of my life. He has the Master Plan and can do with my life whatever He wants; He will give me only the pages I need right now to keep building with Him. I will trust Him with the end results completely and unconditionally. When faced with my biggest temptation – getting stuck in the “why” question – I will choose (daily if I must) to lay it down at the foot of the cross. My not knowing the “why” will not stop me from living a life of daily surrender.
God owns me; He owes me no explanation. He is truly my Lord.
Once again, thank you for all your kindness, thoughts and prayers. May the Lord’s great comfort, His strength and His sweet presence be yours during Christmas and into the New Year.
Joy to you and your family! Joy to the World, the Lord has come!
Becky Leau
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